"Half the failures of this world arise from pulling in one's horse as he is leaping."
|Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.|
|Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.|
|Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.|
|A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls|
asleep in her soup at all other functions.
|Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.|
|A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't|
blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
|Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst,|
slight trace of chapstick.
|Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little|
boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
|Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the|
sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the
almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
|Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists|
|A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.|
|Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square|
inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
|A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.|
|Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred|
dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
|An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or|
|Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.|
|A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer|
to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
|Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.|
|Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse|
in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
|Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says,|
"You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.
I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome you to this month's meeting of Horse-aholic Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to an HA meeting for help.
HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place:
Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing?
Do you drive a big truck with a towing package when everyone else drives a real car?
Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses?
Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
If you do go overseas, is it to a riding vacation in Ireland or to Spruce Meadows to watch the Grand Prix?
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
Is your interior decorator the local tack shop?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind?
Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over them?
Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines?
Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? But do you have trouble getting up for "work?"
If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse they have and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name?
Do you find non-horse people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never be boring.
barn sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
big name trainer - cult leader; horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend
their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them, as they have a link to "The Most High Ones" (judges).
bog spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows
colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
contracted foot - The involuntary, instant reflex of curling one's toes up, right before a horse steps on your foot.
drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil or a bath to his horse.
endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crow hop, shy, and buck his way around a show ring.
feed - Expensive substance used in the manufacture oflarge quantities of manure.
fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give your horse something to chew on, scratch against, and jump over.
filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt.
flea-bitten - a condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.
flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over without being punished.
founder - 1. the discovery of your loose mare, some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or a cornfield. As in the phrase, "Hey, honey, I found 'er."
2. a condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner.
frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.
gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.
gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
girth sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of midsection by fashionable large western belt buckles.
green broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the "Big Name Trainer."
grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.
hay - A green, itchy material that collects between the layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
head shy - A reluctance to use the public restroom's at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.
head tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.
heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
hoof pick - Useful, curved metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoe.
When in doubt, run far, far away.
You can never have too many treats.
Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
Ignore "cues" . . . they're just a prompt to do more work.
Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day..and then sleeping the rest.
Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
Follow the herd. . . . that way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
To get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
To induce a cold snap in the weather? Body clip a horse.
To make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
To make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in you barn will ea t the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn. Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run a way from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
You walk into a 'ritzy restaurant' with your friends after a full day of showing horses wearing dirty tee shirts, jeans, boots, and spurs and you really don't care
The car you drive to work everyday hasn't been washed in a year, but the truck and trailer you use on week-ends is washed before and after every horse show
Someone wants to borrow your horse trailer to haul cows and you emphatically say "NO"
You cannot imagine why anyone would think it is kinky to own whips
The non-horsy guy/gal you just started dating gives you a funny look after glancing into the back seat of your car, and you realize your whips and spurs have been noticed
You often sneak furtively into Laundromats and pretend that you really didn't just put that stinky, filthy horse blanket into the comforter-sized machine
You buy business suits that will double as a showmanship jackets
You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician
You have more pictures of your horses in your office than you have of your family
You pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck
You're seriously considering an even trade of your 2000 Buick for a 1986 Diesel crew cab dually pickup truck
You dress like a lawyer on weekdays, and someone who needs a lawyer on your days off
You hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse
The only picture you have of your spouse just happens to have been taken the one (and only) time you let him/her ride your horse
You plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to the trainer during the eighth and ninth months
You buy duct tape by the case, and carry a roll in your pocketbook, your briefcase, and the console of your car
You realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks
You get your income tax refund and the first thing you do is head for the tack shop
You have saved five old left mud boots "just in case", and another right one has sprung a leak
You'll drive an hour in a snowstorm to ride your horse, but God forbid you have to drive 5 minutes to the store to buy groceries
When your six year old tells everyone that he's going to be the "ring steward" at your aunt's wedding!
Your friends no longer ask to get together with you on a weekend afternoon because they know you'll say -- "I can't, I have a show/penning/rodeo/trail ride."
You consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
Every time you drive past a construction site, you think how you could use all that lumber at the barn!
After arriving at the barn and finding the sprinklers on in the indoor arena, you go ahead and ride in it anyway. What's a little indoor "rain"?
Your horse gets new shoes more often than you
Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse complains that you love your horse more then you love him/her and you answer: "And your point is?"
Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse does something nice for you, and you say "good boy/girl" and pat him/her on the neck
You're trying to pass someone in a crowded hallway and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead
You meet a business associate for a breakfast meeting and they reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your hair
No one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay all over their clothes...But hey, that's OK!! You'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food...
You don't mind throwing the frozen manure balls for the barn dog to fetch!
The first bills you pay each month are all horse related
You choose your new dog by which breed is best with horses
You always have new foal pictures in your wallet
|What they say||What they mean|
|Green Broke||Rode Twice|
|Ready to Show||Green Broke|
|10+ Loper||Can't Jog|
|10+ Jogger||Can't Lope|
|Good Mover||Stubbles Occasionally|
|Barrel Racing Prospect||Just Off the Track|
|Hunt Seat Prospect||Should Be On the Track|
|Western Pleasure Prospect||Too Slow for Barrel Racing|
|Cutting Horse Prospect||Turns & Runs when frightened|
|Reining Horse Prospect||Spins & Runs when frightened|
|15.2 hh||14.2 hh|
|16.3 hh||15.3 hh|
|Good for Beginning Rider||Lame in both front legs|
|Anyone Can Ride||Lame in all four legs|
|Bombproof||Lame in all four legs, Deaf, & Blind|
|Needs Intermediate Rider||Runaway|
|Needs Experienced Rider||Potentially Lethal|
|To Loving Home Only||Expensive|
|To Show Home Only||Very Expensive|
|Can be registered||I think I know which stud got to the mare|
|Pony Type||Small and Hairy|
|Warm Blood Type||Big and Hairy|
|Draft Type||Extremely Big and Hairy|
|TB Type||Big Motor|
|Endurance Type||Extremely Big Motor|
|Must Sell||Insurance company threatened to drop me|
|Sacrifice Sell||Family won't come back till he's gone|
|Clips, Hauls, & Loads||
Clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him
|Should mature 15.2hh||
Currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 14.3, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 14 hands, but this horse will defy his DNA and grow
Does your horse have knee action? Do the words
sewing machine" come to mind when describing your horses movement? Then the
National Crappy Movers Association (NCMA) welcomes you! Founded in 1998, this Association was created
to preserve the jackhammer like movement and total lack of symmetrical conformation of the
recreational horse of years past. We here at the NCMA recognize that all horse
enthusiasts have at one time had a horse that made them want to wear two bras and duct tape themselves to the saddle. Up
until this time there has been no association recognizing horses of this quality. Qualifications for registry are the
1. Movement must be of sufficient quality to cause male riders genitalia to assume a new position several inches higher than at rest.
2. While in a forward gait the horses knee joint MUST flex to at LEAST 90 degrees upon lifting.
3. Headset. Horses that root at the bit are preferred. Stargazers favorable. Nose straight out is acceptable. Head tossing very desirable.
4. Tail set must be set at top of horses back and stick up a minimum of three inches (preferably rubbed out at base.)
Show classes will include Displeasure. A good Displeasure horse should be able to outrun all other horses in the class. Riders must stay off rail at all times. Accidental running over of the judge will not be penalized. Displeasure horses should be ridden in a tight rein. Transitions should take at least 1/4 length of arena.
Attire - All riders can use hemorrhoid cushions if needed. Jockey goggles are mandatory during the Displeasure class, due to excessive wind from speed.
|Jump||An opportunity to stop for grass|
|Fence||Barrier that protects good grazing|
Means by which to test one's strength
|Bit||Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth|
|Arena||Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion|
|Dressage||Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit|
|Horse Trailer||Mobile cave bear den|
|Hot Walker||Lesser of two evils|
|Gate Latch||Type of puzzle|
|Grain||Sole virtue of domestication|
|Longeing||Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay|
|Owner||Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding|
|Rider||Owner overstepping his bounds|
|Farrier||Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply|
|Trainer||Owner with mob connections|
|Veterinarian||Flightless albino vulture|
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